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  • Brazokie 9:05 pm on April 22, 2018 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , , , panic attacks   

    I’ll keep functioning even when I’m dead 

    That is what crossed my mind today during a panic attack at the grocery store. I knew it was coming. It started on the drive there. Body temperature kept changing, I kept sweating, but my skin was cold. The nervousness kept coming, the swell in the chest, my mind slipping away. It cost me $70 because it made me not understand what the cashier said about one of my prescriptions. Wrong choice and then insurance didn’t cover. Could have used the card for these kinds of things, but again it did not cross my mind.

    So there I was realizing all of what had happened, and how could I keep functioning no matter what, and the though came: I’ll keep functioning even when I’m dead. I don’t even believe in death right now.

    Right now, a couple of hours later, after a sugary snack I could probably have avoided, after unboxing my arts supplies into shelves… it comes the flashback that I missed the window of time where I could have stopped the wrong transaction at the pharmacy. I knew it, and I could not act, I just wanted to GET OUT and was overwhelmed by caring and not caring at the same time. Sadly I can only berate myself and not feel sincerely bad for myself. I knew it and should have done better. That is how I feel.

    It is just do damn lonely to go through this. Medication did little. I may need to go back to the stronger dose. I should call my parents but I don’t have the energy to pretend to be fine. I don’t have the energy to deal with their worry if I tell how I really feel either. I have no energy to ask for help. Writing this is my hope to at least put it outside of me and help the pressure of anxiety go down.

    Truly though, today I firmly believed death may be a lie. I will keep functioning after death. Unless I have a crisis so bad I cannot function, I will never respect my own suffering through anxiety and depression.

  • Brazokie 10:08 pm on November 28, 2017 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , , , panic attacks   

    Not bad enough to be gentle 

    I have been experiencing panic attacks, but had no idea. What was I thinking? Or NOT thinking?


    “Oh, sudden cold and hot flashes. I feel like hiding. Keep going with my day”

    “Woa, my chest feels crazy, not like a heart attack, but like I’m afraid. I have nothing on my mind though. Keep going with my day”

    “I feel impossibly cold and like shutting down, just curl up there, and that’s it. Nothing too serious. I can keep going with my day”

    “I can’t do a thing. I see all my work on my computer in front of me, but I just can’t. I will just sit here and wait it to pass, keep going with my day”

    Does any of the above examples sound like routine to a happy, mental healthy person? Now put them all together, which is the truth of what I get off and on. Why did it take me months to stop and realize I could be taking better care to myself?

    I thought I was not suffering enough. I was not in shock, or terror, or crying. I had this image that I’d totally lose control during a panic attack, and if not, not a panic attack. Not bad enough, so I had to keep going. Not that I could keep going, I HAD to, as if I did not deserve to say I was suffering.

    Embarassing enough I thought (more than) twice about just not sharing this.

    Cruel to myself, that’s me. So much to learn.

    “Unexpected Panic Attacks: These panic attacks occur suddenly without any obvious cause or indication. When an unexpected panic attack occurs, the person can be completely relaxed before symptoms develop. This type of panic attack does not accompany any conscious internal cues, such as having fearful thoughts, feelings of intense dread and anxiety, or uncomfortable physical sensations. Unexpected attacks also do not occur with external cues, such as specific phobias or being exposed to a frightening event or situation”

    An Overview of Panic Attacks and Symptoms


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