Drowsiness and difficulty to concentrate greeted me energetically yesterday. Hugged me even. Wide smile after the almost 2 weeks apart. I tried to set into my old ways around them: fight through it. Don’t fall asleep. Count the hours. Wish for a soft bed. Damn it, this hard flood would do. Get a coffee. Chat about things I don’t care about with co workers. Eat something. Etc.

But then I just snapped. I just couldn’t suffer through that same beaten path. I gave up, told a co-worker I felt bad and headed home. Four hours of sleep later, emotional numbeness joined the team as I woke up.

As I told my husband… I just didn’t care anymore, right there and then. I won’t try and think what exhausted me, or was it depression or what. I just don’t care, I wanted to shut off and so I did.

Felt dangerous too. How easy it was to suddenly give up. How lonely that I feel like I ran out of explanations to have people around me understand how tired I am, and how terrifying I cannot explain it either.

The loss of control is terrifying, but I can’t tell anyone. Those I love would feel heartbroken and those I don’t wouldn’t care. Blogging and reading others is the closest to a sincere telling of what goes on as I can get. At least I have that.


Unfamiliar ceiling

Evening of day 8. In the middle of the Pacific ocean, in the isle of Oahu. There is a rainstorm outside and I love it’s noises and the cool air coming in.

Today as I watched a bay with its reef s and turquoise water, I felt very blessed all tourists are basically from Japan and I can’t understand a thing they say.

I start to realize it is the dog of depression creeping in. The calmness that is too calm and content with being isolated. The wish to watch and be still while everything else bursts with activity around me.

Fast forward to the beach itself, where I rest by an Indian family as they chatter and eat. Speaking Hindi and sharing awesome food with me. I don’t speak Hindi, so score number 2.

By the time I am grocery shopping, I am aware of how my energy is going downhill. I am a bit confused and slow. I skept a meal earlier in the day, which doesn’t help.

Finally home and chatting with my friend who is hosting me. It is terrifying to be truthful about my moods and feelings. I don’t want her to think something is wrong with the trip, since there is no worng. My brain simply is going downhill as sometimes it does.

It is time to sleep. I am exhausted and will take it easy tomorrow.


I wish I could spend the rest of my life snorkeling on a sunny day. The silence of having my ears underwater. The peace of floating with the fish. The beauty of nature, the delicate dance to move this way or that.

The only sound the fish made was to nibble at the coral. They barely acknowledged me, moving slowly out of my way. I followed a couple of favorites around, and they didn’t mind.

Animals are the one thing to lift me from any dark pit. It is my universal remedy to make me smile. Their innocence and lack of words. Their body language and ability to live with their environment, without destroying it. Their capacity to defend themselves when needed, to attack to feed, to run when they sense any risk.

Us humans complicated things so much on our illusion of power. I saw some people stepping on coral to go from hand hold to hand hold, people who could not swim. Well, if you can’t swim, why do you feel entitled to be here? Now it is a risk to yourself and the wildlife.

How many situations we just push ourselves through, thinking we can do it all? Because we are humans and adapt and compete. So we fumble around, we hurt ourselves and others, out of that stubburness. That is the cost of “you can do anything you want”. No, I cannot. There are limits to be respected and an illusion of gain to force things to happen.

To focus on what you are good at, or on what you have to improve? I vote to start focusing on what I am good at. I want to feel happy, acomplished, to do what I enjoy whenever I can. To swim with the flow, to feel the peace of being one with the environment.

Not to be confused with giving up, no. I simply choose to acknowledge that I have limits, and knowing where they are will make me feel better connected with life, and not at an eternal fumble to adapt.


Memory Recall

History is an important way to understand the present and plan the future. Yet, I am still impressed of how much my own personal history has been helping me through therapy.

It brought me to think of memories and their value. During bad phases I try very hard to think of the good phases. Why can’t I bring the good feelings back, if I can remember having them?

I compared it to having an ex boyfriend. At some point there was love and care, I remember that. I cannot however recall and feel that way again for that person. Or something that I feared as a child. I may remember it, but cannot feel that same fear any longer.

I cannot fault myself for being unable to summon my own brain into feeling better based on a memory, just like I cannot love or fear something from the past based on memory. It brings me some peace that I should treat each bad phase as its own, unique moment. What worked last time to bring me out of the darkness may not work this time, and that is OK. It is not a failure that something else needs to be tried.


Medication Update

Xanax is not my “emergency pill” anymore. It is Atarax, a much safer option addiction-wise. Buspar has been halved to see if I get less drowsy.

Last week, while feeling impatient and stressed, I just cut Buspar entirely. I needed my BRAIN back, I needed to be productive. 24 hours later, the unsolicited bad thoughts of anxiety started creeping back in. The ones where I imagine my loved pets being hurt. That was a big NOPE and back to Buspar.

Overall I’ll say it was a bad idea to try and stop entirely on my own. Still, it was curious and good to have a day full of energy and a brain just could just spin so fast and think of 3 things at the same time. I’ll try my best to be patient and see how the next weeks few on this lower dosage.

Oh another bad decision this past week: I postponed therapy so that I could have fries and a milkshake with some friends.



With the bad news received this week, I have been approached by different people wanting to know details or to share their sentiments about the situation. That lead me to be caught on a typical reaction of mine: I do all that I can to make sure they feel OK. I will joke and act carefree and forget that maybe they really mean it, and want to make sure I’ll be alright.

A person offered resume writing skills help, another job positioning with an agency, another had a good hug to give, another words of hope. I really appreciate it all. As usual I am having a difficult time to accept that it is OK to not be OK at this moment. I reached exhaustion yesterday and all I could do was sleep and feel pain on my head.

I am terrified of the idea of working somewhere else. Interviewing. Meeting a whole new team of people. Learning the politics and moods all over again. But I am also terrified of taking the leap and move states to follow the job. My chest feels tight, my stomach burns. I considered tossing the meds I am taking to get my brain back and see if that way things get figured out faster. I need to make my decision by next week.

Thank you all who’ve read this. This is just a venting piece to help me admit that this is a stressful situation and I should not feel guilty for feeling bad. I need to pace myself and accept help.

From the Persona 5 article by Forbes

Concrete fear

I’ll be out of a job sometime this spring. First reaction was shock. Surrounded by other shocked people, I managed well, as I always do. I become more concerned with others than myself.

It took me to bed time to get all of my anxiety to flare up. I was sick to my stomach. I have a lump of my throat that feels like an air bubble. Managed to fall asleep somehow probably around midnight… woke up at 3am. I had alcohol for dinner, it helped to keep anxiety at bay for a bit longer, however a bad decision to my health overall.

Backup plans are flying all over my brain. The fear is not knowing the route to take. The thought of having to learn a new job, new people, new places. I don’t want this big lump of change right now in my life, but there is no choice, it is now a countdown.

The positive part of me believes this is the kick in the ass I needed to maybe get a job that fits better with who I am, and what I enjoy doing. Time will tell, and now I need to work on taming my brain as best I can to have it help me, not hinder me, while I go through the anxiety of this.

Image credit to Ask a Gamer