Thoughts of 01.02.18

While I cannot commit to doing this daily, I will attempt to journal here more often. I enjoy reading other’s online journals and see the real days of people that go through similar mental health situations as I do. I will attempt to not filter much.

09:47: went to work. Forgot my wallet. Forgot my mug. Had the icky free coffee on a sad plastic promotional cup I use to water my plants. Drowsiness attack just stopped. I need to change the meds somehow to stop this from happenig, but changing meds is terrifying. Need a plan for lunch. Just overheard my boss saying my name on the phone, time to duck.

09:53: the reason that plastic cup was sad is because it changes color with cold liquids, and did nothing with hot coffee.

10:03: stopped for a minute. If around 10am is when I really “wake up”… Then I should try and take the drowsy pill at dinner time instead of bed time. Seems like a simple step to try.

11:11: comparing myself to others is the deadliest poison I drink. That came to mind while I think here of how I have failed to cook for weeks now, while some people out there can do meal preparations for a whole week, eat healthy etc. Other people’s good behaviors are good to inspire, but I use them to beat myself up. If someone can do it and I can’t, I’m a failure. How arrogant that is. Why should I be able to have the same willpower as others? I know this, but don’t feel it. This will take much training to change.

do not stack12:15: I noticed a correlation of being tired and getting anxious. I feel like a cat, pockets of energy here and there but trying to stay down most of the day. Now the interesting question is: is low energy making me anxious? Does my body feel my limited time to accomplish things before I am too tired, and then flares up in anxiety? Was able to bum some money for lunch.

13:48: difficulty to concentrate. Any and all tips accepted in how to deal with this absurdity. How can concentration be difficult if I am not hungry, or in pain, or cold? How the hell can the mind just stubbornily say “nope, can’t focus more than 2 minutes on this”?

13:57: I honestly believe I’d do a better job in the afternoon if I could be tipsy. One good drink for dessert after lunch would do it. Sadly I cannot test this theory. It does show how easily I could abuse alcohol though, because I am sincere here: I do think I’d relax enough to be able to carry on with the last part of my work day in a more positive way. My back and legs hurt from my unrelaxed desk sitting.

17:22: home, showered, snacked. Finally back to my cave. Just being back home already feels much better. The first day of the workweek is always difficult and tiring. Hopefully tomorrow is an easier day inside my head.


Cutting back on overthinking

Continuing with my goal of “one thing at a time” to help manage my anxiety, I came across this article and video about monthly dashboards instead of new year’s resolutions. Along with

It goes beyond “one thing a time” too, as it touches my issue of trying to overthink way too ahead into the future, and stress over attempting to reach ultimate solutions. I have caught myself several times coming up with an idea, deciding I just need to follow through with it for the rest of my life, and then finding out I can’t, followed by bad feelings of guilt and failure. Basically setting myself up for failure and disappointment.

While my overthinking issue does not have its roots on new year’s resolutions, his monthly dashboards idea sounds very useful. Also, I understand it is a tradition to celebrate new year’s eve and a lot of people enjoy the new year’s resolution activity. Hopefully this is useful to others.

Very important though is his comment on how to keep up with this system. Not to micromanage it, count how many times something is done, etc. Keep up with it with a very general “red, yellow, green” system where I assign an overall success rate. I point this out because I do tend to go and micromanage things, which would then just make this into another overthinking monster.

Let me know what you think and what has worked for you in the past.

Full article can be read here:

Move aside New Year’s resolutions, it’s time for monthly dashboards

Fear setting instead of goal setting

Just yesterday I have decided to work on a “one thing at a time” goal. One browser tab at a time, one videogame at a time, one book at a time, etc. I am hoping that changing small things can build better, less stress and anxiety inducing habits.

This took me to this very interesting TED Talk with a technique I’ll try to make use. For those who enjoy setting new year’s resolutions, it may also be useful.

Great quote mentioned in the speech:

“We suffer more in imagination than in reality.” – Seneca



Endless Connections

I am a bit shocked to realize today that I have to cut back on internet use, as it is making me scatter minded. It is not due to too much use, but rather because I am using it “wrong”.

Internet can be an excellent distraction for when I am not on a good phase, but I noticed it has built some habits that are starting to get on my nerves. I can spend a lot of time in a circle of nothing, opening multiple tabs, reading bits and pieces but never really focusing on anything for more than 5 minutes.

Part of how I built this habit is work, and how we use multiple web systems at the same time, requiring multiple open browser tabs. I simply started doing that at home. One tab has recipes, the other games, the other a sale, and another sale, and let me keep Twitter open at all times also.

kitty type

This constant array of open tabs is making me unquiet. I shop like crazy, but don’t really buy much. I read a bunch of headlines, but not many articles. I check my e-mail constantly, as if something groundbreaking would come in, but instead I get annoyed at all the companies e-mailing me adds to try and grab my money at all costs.

The endless potential of all of these connections simply became overwhelming. Part of what made me realize this is that I am enjoying a game on my Playstation 4, where I can only do 1 thing at a time. At first I struggled and caught myself playing Solitaire on the phone at the same time (insert eyeroll) or checking Twitter, e-mail, this and that. It is like I am trying not to relax while trying to relax.

First part of my plan will be to finish this game on the Playstation. No more multiple games at once (and I am saying this while there are tons of sales out!). Also… no browser tabs at home! There is no point, there is NOTHING other than some research for drawings where I need to look at more than one thing at the same time.

Good luck to me! Anyone else has some odd habit that revealed itself recently?