While I cannot commit to doing this daily, I will attempt to journal here more often. I enjoy reading other’s online journals and see the real days of people that go through similar mental health situations as I do. I will attempt to not filter much.
09:47: went to work. Forgot my wallet. Forgot my mug. Had the icky free coffee on a sad plastic promotional cup I use to water my plants. Drowsiness attack just stopped. I need to change the meds somehow to stop this from happenig, but changing meds is terrifying. Need a plan for lunch. Just overheard my boss saying my name on the phone, time to duck.
09:53: the reason that plastic cup was sad is because it changes color with cold liquids, and did nothing with hot coffee.
10:03: stopped for a minute. If around 10am is when I really “wake up”… Then I should try and take the drowsy pill at dinner time instead of bed time. Seems like a simple step to try.
11:11: comparing myself to others is the deadliest poison I drink. That came to mind while I think here of how I have failed to cook for weeks now, while some people out there can do meal preparations for a whole week, eat healthy etc. Other people’s good behaviors are good to inspire, but I use them to beat myself up. If someone can do it and I can’t, I’m a failure. How arrogant that is. Why should I be able to have the same willpower as others? I know this, but don’t feel it. This will take much training to change.
12:15: I noticed a correlation of being tired and getting anxious. I feel like a cat, pockets of energy here and there but trying to stay down most of the day. Now the interesting question is: is low energy making me anxious? Does my body feel my limited time to accomplish things before I am too tired, and then flares up in anxiety? Was able to bum some money for lunch.
13:48: difficulty to concentrate. Any and all tips accepted in how to deal with this absurdity. How can concentration be difficult if I am not hungry, or in pain, or cold? How the hell can the mind just stubbornily say “nope, can’t focus more than 2 minutes on this”?
13:57: I honestly believe I’d do a better job in the afternoon if I could be tipsy. One good drink for dessert after lunch would do it. Sadly I cannot test this theory. It does show how easily I could abuse alcohol though, because I am sincere here: I do think I’d relax enough to be able to carry on with the last part of my work day in a more positive way. My back and legs hurt from my unrelaxed desk sitting.
17:22: home, showered, snacked. Finally back to my cave. Just being back home already feels much better. The first day of the workweek is always difficult and tiring. Hopefully tomorrow is an easier day inside my head.