Endless Connections

I am a bit shocked to realize today that I have to cut back on internet use, as it is making me scatter minded. It is not due to too much use, but rather because I am using it “wrong”.

Internet can be an excellent distraction for when I am not on a good phase, but I noticed it has built some habits that are starting to get on my nerves. I can spend a lot of time in a circle of nothing, opening multiple tabs, reading bits and pieces but never really focusing on anything for more than 5 minutes.

Part of how I built this habit is work, and how we use multiple web systems at the same time, requiring multiple open browser tabs. I simply started doing that at home. One tab has recipes, the other games, the other a sale, and another sale, and let me keep Twitter open at all times also.

kitty type

This constant array of open tabs is making me unquiet. I shop like crazy, but don’t really buy much. I read a bunch of headlines, but not many articles. I check my e-mail constantly, as if something groundbreaking would come in, but instead I get annoyed at all the companies e-mailing me adds to try and grab my money at all costs.

The endless potential of all of these connections simply became overwhelming. Part of what made me realize this is that I am enjoying a game on my Playstation 4, where I can only do 1 thing at a time. At first I struggled and caught myself playing Solitaire on the phone at the same time (insert eyeroll) or checking Twitter, e-mail, this and that. It is like I am trying not to relax while trying to relax.

First part of my plan will be to finish this game on the Playstation. No more multiple games at once (and I am saying this while there are tons of sales out!). Also… no browser tabs at home! There is no point, there is NOTHING other than some research for drawings where I need to look at more than one thing at the same time.

Good luck to me! Anyone else has some odd habit that revealed itself recently?


When a beloved stranger dies


I received terrible news this morning. A dear friend I have never met face to face has passed away, after battling with disease. It hurts so much. I cry for a person I never had a chance to hug and say “thank you”.

My life would be completely different if it wasn’t for her. She is one of the big reasons my husband and I met.

She loved Christmas, and it breaks my heart to think she was probably not well enough to do all the crochet and crafting and cooking she did for her loved ones. That she passed away during her favorite time of the year.

She was always the sweetest person to all of us in our little online gaming guild. Keeping people together, making sure everyone had fun. Trying to create an environment of fairness into an unfair world. That little corner online we met and had fun. Our “online mom”.

She was the first person to ever point out my arrogance and wrong perception regarding intelligence. “Not everyone is as intelligent as you are!” she exclaimed to me, in text, after I complained about a fellow player’s performance and lack of understanding. I will never forget, because I always bring that to mind to remind myself to be kind to others and remember we are all at different levels on different subjects.

I would probably never have known of her passing if I hadn’t opened Facebook, which I seldom do. Now I’m just so afraid that others I know through the internet could vanish without me knowing what happened. So afraid I’ll regret not reaching out to people because I am trying to care to my own confusing brain these past months.

I suppose there is no comfort anywhere right now, other than time. I miss you dearly Rhilinia.


To help with mood tracking, I will try my best to make some journal entries. The idea came from reading Mental Health Diary and the mood tracker he shares. While I do not plan on sharing my own mood tracker at present, I’d like to try some journaling. Some because if I truly make this daily, I may get into one of my black and white perfectionist cycles, and I really don’t want to get into another one of those, got enough of them. Saving that anxiety juice for the situations I cannot avoid, like work.

  • Making purchases for myself: spent about a month deciding on whether or not to get a game, which went on sale at 3 different moments at 50% off. “Persona 5“, for that JRPG itch that “Final Fantasy XV” did not satisfy earlier this year. Finally got it Saturday. Here is an illustration of the decision process:
Should I buy something that I want for myself? Is 50% off enough? Am I being too nice to myself?
  • Weight gain: came to the conclusion that I have gained weight, my pants have not all shrunk overnight in a dark, evil plan of theirs. Result of the bad phase I was in, eating fast food whenever I did not feel like cooking. Spent sometime trying to figure out where else I may have increased food intake, and turn out that I’ve had a lot more coffee with cream than usual. Need to start cutting back and keep exercising.

The biggest challenge is on my persistence on black and white strategies when re-balancing my diet. I try to go all out on being healthy and cooking it all myself at the same time. It has never worked for more than a couple of days, and yet, in the past I have planned it the same over and over again. Not this time. I will simply replace fast food with home made sandwiches, and once that step is conquered, switch to something healthier, etc. “Perfectionism” may sound like a bullshit defect for some, but trust me, it has been killing me inside. Being able to be OK with the plan I just mentioned is a HUGE step for me, specially as I walk out to have dinner at an all you can eat place for husband’s work Christmas party, which brings me to…

  • Socializing: I keep people talking so I won’t have to share anything. I have learned I do this some time ago at the hair dresser. I hate sharing about myself, which may explain why I am compartmentalizing even this journaling exercise. Anyway, did some socializing tonight and had fun, but was drained and exhausted at the end. Made zero progress on trying to share more with people face to face.

Thank you, stranger

I am thankful to all of the “strangers of the internet”. Some days my greatest support comes from those who have never met me or gained anything from me. Thank you. I have started to add references on my Links┬ápage to you.

Picture taken at the annual “Running of the Gnomes“, a charity event that happens in the online game World of Warcraft, created and organized by players, supported by a legion of “strangers”

Hello, stranger!
Some days that is all that I need.

How are you doing?
You can be truthful, because you do not know what I expect to hear,
and well, you also do not know me
we don’t work together or live together
no need to fire out that automatic “doing good, and you?”

I sit back and watch this game you play, stranger
It is one of those jump scare ones I can’t stand to play
but the story, I love the dark stories
couldn’t it just be a book instead so that I could remain alone?

Hey, stranger, someone on your chat brought up something funny
I answer this other stranger, we chat
It is a late 90’s chat all over again

Hello again, stranger
Awkward, you just greeted me. You remembered me?
I remember that person in chat too… and the other…
Can we still be just strangers? I prefer it that way

It is a different game today. You seem downcast today, stranger
Here, have a colorful little picture
a compliment on your hair
was that your pet just now in the background?
You are not alone, stranger

I spend the past hour reading
All this information and emotion, written by another stranger
Making me feel connected, but still free
Nothing is attached, but yet connected

A video guide from the other side of the world
I just learned to improve a skill for free
I leave a simple comment, and you greet me back with a cheer

I care about you, my favorite strangers
You do me good, and I wish to do the same
Not that you demand that, or expect that
It just is
Some days that is all that I need