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  • Brazokie 9:18 pm on December 26, 2017 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , gaming, ,   

    Endless Connections 

    I am a bit shocked to realize today that I have to cut back on internet use, as it is making me scatter minded. It is not due to too much use, but rather because I am using it “wrong”.

    Internet can be an excellent distraction for when I am not on a good phase, but I noticed it has built some habits that are starting to get on my nerves. I can spend a lot of time in a circle of nothing, opening multiple tabs, reading bits and pieces but never really focusing on anything for more than 5 minutes.

    Part of how I built this habit is work, and how we use multiple web systems at the same time, requiring multiple open browser tabs. I simply started doing that at home. One tab has recipes, the other games, the other a sale, and another sale, and let me keep Twitter open at all times also.

    kitty type

    This constant array of open tabs is making me unquiet. I shop like crazy, but don’t really buy much. I read a bunch of headlines, but not many articles. I check my e-mail constantly, as if something groundbreaking would come in, but instead I get annoyed at all the companies e-mailing me adds to try and grab my money at all costs.

    The endless potential of all of these connections simply became overwhelming. Part of what made me realize this is that I am enjoying a game on my Playstation 4, where I can only do 1 thing at a time. At first I struggled and caught myself playing Solitaire on the phone at the same time (insert eyeroll) or checking Twitter, e-mail, this and that. It is like I am trying not to relax while trying to relax.

    First part of my plan will be to finish this game on the Playstation. No more multiple games at once (and I am saying this while there are tons of sales out!). Also… no browser tabs at home! There is no point, there is NOTHING other than some research for drawings where I need to look at more than one thing at the same time.

    Good luck to me! Anyone else has some odd habit that revealed itself recently?

  • Brazokie 3:14 pm on December 23, 2017 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: gaming,   

    When a beloved stranger dies 


    I received terrible news this morning. A dear friend I have never met face to face has passed away, after battling with disease. It hurts so much. I cry for a person I never had a chance to hug and say “thank you”.

    My life would be completely different if it wasn’t for her. She is one of the big reasons my husband and I met.

    She loved Christmas, and it breaks my heart to think she was probably not well enough to do all the crochet and crafting and cooking she did for her loved ones. That she passed away during her favorite time of the year.

    She was always the sweetest person to all of us in our little online gaming guild. Keeping people together, making sure everyone had fun. Trying to create an environment of fairness into an unfair world. That little corner online we met and had fun. Our “online mom”.

    She was the first person to ever point out my arrogance and wrong perception regarding intelligence. “Not everyone is as intelligent as you are!” she exclaimed to me, in text, after I complained about a fellow player’s performance and lack of understanding. I will never forget, because I always bring that to mind to remind myself to be kind to others and remember we are all at different levels on different subjects.

    I would probably never have known of her passing if I hadn’t opened Facebook, which I seldom do. Now I’m just so afraid that others I know through the internet could vanish without me knowing what happened. So afraid I’ll regret not reaching out to people because I am trying to care to my own confusing brain these past months.

    I suppose there is no comfort anywhere right now, other than time. I miss you dearly Rhilinia.

    • mentalhealthdiary.com 6:47 pm on December 23, 2017 Permalink | Reply

      I’m sorry you have lost someone close to you mate. It’s nice that she had such a positive impact on your life though 🙂 I know it will be difficult but at least you might be able to remember those good things.

      ‘Online mom’ made me chuckle and the way you’ve described her I can almost imagine her. What game did you play together?


      • Brazokie 6:54 pm on December 23, 2017 Permalink | Reply

        Thank you. We played World of Warcraft. Yes, that “mom” part… She’d make gifts for Christmas. She’d organize costume parties. She’d make sure we had enough good geared in a raid to be able to carry some newcomers that needed help. She’d craft all the food and potion buffs we needed. Monthly guild meetings with prizes. “one purple per raid” rules so that everyone had a chance at loot.

        Liked by 1 person

        • mentalhealthdiary.com 7:10 pm on December 23, 2017 Permalink

          wow! I wish someone cared for me that well in real life. Sounds great, I really do hope you can find some light in what is obviously a shitty time.

          I completely missed the WoW boat, my fave type of game but by the time I had a PC that could run it everyone was years ahead of me so I didn’t bother.


    • ashleyleia 10:32 pm on December 23, 2017 Permalink | Reply

      I’m sorry for your loss. It’s great that you have such wonderful memories of her.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Michael Craig 7:32 pm on February 8, 2018 Permalink | Reply

      This is Mike, aka Zoomhammer, and I will say this about her. She truly loved all of her guildmates and took her responsibilities seriously. She always went out of her way to make it fun for everyone. She was my soulmate and I miss her and always will


      • Brazokie 3:33 am on February 9, 2018 Permalink | Reply

        Me too Zoomie. I will forever think of her when I see something that would make her smile. So lucky she was part of our lives.


  • Brazokie 6:40 am on December 10, 2017 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , gaming, healthy eating, , , weight loss   


    To help with mood tracking, I will try my best to make some journal entries. The idea came from reading Mental Health Diary and the mood tracker he shares. While I do not plan on sharing my own mood tracker at present, I’d like to try some journaling. Some because if I truly make this daily, I may get into one of my black and white perfectionist cycles, and I really don’t want to get into another one of those, got enough of them. Saving that anxiety juice for the situations I cannot avoid, like work.

    • Making purchases for myself: spent about a month deciding on whether or not to get a game, which went on sale at 3 different moments at 50% off. “Persona 5“, for that JRPG itch that “Final Fantasy XV” did not satisfy earlier this year. Finally got it Saturday. Here is an illustration of the decision process:

    Should I buy something that I want for myself? Is 50% off enough? Am I being too nice to myself?

    • Weight gain: came to the conclusion that I have gained weight, my pants have not all shrunk overnight in a dark, evil plan of theirs. Result of the bad phase I was in, eating fast food whenever I did not feel like cooking. Spent sometime trying to figure out where else I may have increased food intake, and turn out that I’ve had a lot more coffee with cream than usual. Need to start cutting back and keep exercising.

    The biggest challenge is on my persistence on black and white strategies when re-balancing my diet. I try to go all out on being healthy and cooking it all myself at the same time. It has never worked for more than a couple of days, and yet, in the past I have planned it the same over and over again. Not this time. I will simply replace fast food with home made sandwiches, and once that step is conquered, switch to something healthier, etc. “Perfectionism” may sound like a bullshit defect for some, but trust me, it has been killing me inside. Being able to be OK with the plan I just mentioned is a HUGE step for me, specially as I walk out to have dinner at an all you can eat place for husband’s work Christmas party, which brings me to…

    • Socializing: I keep people talking so I won’t have to share anything. I have learned I do this some time ago at the hair dresser. I hate sharing about myself, which may explain why I am compartmentalizing even this journaling exercise. Anyway, did some socializing tonight and had fun, but was drained and exhausted at the end. Made zero progress on trying to share more with people face to face.
    • ashleyleia 3:41 pm on December 10, 2017 Permalink | Reply

      While on the outside perfectionism may look like a good thing that’s about wanting to better yourself, it’s more about attacking yourself than anything. Good for you for coming up with a healthier eating plan that works for you.


      • Brazokie 6:33 pm on December 10, 2017 Permalink | Reply

        What an excellent way to describe perfectionism. It eats me alive, and I hate how people roll their eyes if I complain about it.

        Liked by 1 person

  • Brazokie 1:08 pm on November 24, 2017 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: gaming, , online games   

    Thank you, stranger 

    I am thankful to all of the “strangers of the internet”. Some days my greatest support comes from those who have never met me or gained anything from me. Thank you. I have started to add references on my Links page to you.


    Picture taken at the annual “Running of the Gnomes“, a charity event that happens in the online game World of Warcraft, created and organized by players, supported by a legion of “strangers”

    Hello, stranger!
    Some days that is all that I need.

    How are you doing?
    You can be truthful, because you do not know what I expect to hear,
    and well, you also do not know me
    we don’t work together or live together
    no need to fire out that automatic “doing good, and you?”

    I sit back and watch this game you play, stranger
    It is one of those jump scare ones I can’t stand to play
    but the story, I love the dark stories
    couldn’t it just be a book instead so that I could remain alone?

    Hey, stranger, someone on your chat brought up something funny
    I answer this other stranger, we chat
    It is a late 90’s chat all over again

    Hello again, stranger
    Awkward, you just greeted me. You remembered me?
    I remember that person in chat too… and the other…
    Can we still be just strangers? I prefer it that way

    It is a different game today. You seem downcast today, stranger
    Here, have a colorful little picture
    a compliment on your hair
    was that your pet just now in the background?
    You are not alone, stranger

    I spend the past hour reading
    All this information and emotion, written by another stranger
    Making me feel connected, but still free
    Nothing is attached, but yet connected

    A video guide from the other side of the world
    I just learned to improve a skill for free
    I leave a simple comment, and you greet me back with a cheer

    I care about you, my favorite strangers
    You do me good, and I wish to do the same
    Not that you demand that, or expect that
    It just is
    Some days that is all that I need


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