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  • Brazokie 12:57 am on May 3, 2018 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , depression, , ,   

    Drop the beat 

    Feeling my heart beat in the back of my throat. Muscular back pain. Nights with lots of nightmares. Panic attacks. This is the latest in the past week as I continue to adjust to medicine changes.

    It was visible that I was feeling worst and worst last week. A closes colleague mentioned on Monday how better I seemed to be after the weekend. As I mentioned “medicine” she asked me if I’d mind telling what they are, and I did. To my surprise, I got the “me too” response when I mentioned anxiety, and the not so surprising “I would never have imagined” when I mentioned the depression one. We talked a bunch about it, and it feels good that this is her normal too, and that we can be sincere to each other.

    But I went a step ahead and ended up telling my boss, who didn’t understand at first and brightened up a smile and said “ohhh feeling much better, yes?” and I told him no, changes come with side effects and he sobered up and was understanding and glad I took the time off.

    It is mid week and so far so good. I say this because I have been afraid of coming clean about this for years, but in the last couple of weeks felt very tired of hiding it. Nothing beautiful, but something very selfish: I want people to care about me, but if I don’t open up, they will believe I am fine.

    Also… here is my drop in the ocean in the fight against mental health stigma.

  • Brazokie 9:05 pm on April 22, 2018 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , depression, ,   

    I’ll keep functioning even when I’m dead 

    That is what crossed my mind today during a panic attack at the grocery store. I knew it was coming. It started on the drive there. Body temperature kept changing, I kept sweating, but my skin was cold. The nervousness kept coming, the swell in the chest, my mind slipping away. It cost me $70 because it made me not understand what the cashier said about one of my prescriptions. Wrong choice and then insurance didn’t cover. Could have used the card for these kinds of things, but again it did not cross my mind.

    So there I was realizing all of what had happened, and how could I keep functioning no matter what, and the though came: I’ll keep functioning even when I’m dead. I don’t even believe in death right now.

    Right now, a couple of hours later, after a sugary snack I could probably have avoided, after unboxing my arts supplies into shelves… it comes the flashback that I missed the window of time where I could have stopped the wrong transaction at the pharmacy. I knew it, and I could not act, I just wanted to GET OUT and was overwhelmed by caring and not caring at the same time. Sadly I can only berate myself and not feel sincerely bad for myself. I knew it and should have done better. That is how I feel.

    It is just do damn lonely to go through this. Medication did little. I may need to go back to the stronger dose. I should call my parents but I don’t have the energy to pretend to be fine. I don’t have the energy to deal with their worry if I tell how I really feel either. I have no energy to ask for help. Writing this is my hope to at least put it outside of me and help the pressure of anxiety go down.

    Truly though, today I firmly believed death may be a lie. I will keep functioning after death. Unless I have a crisis so bad I cannot function, I will never respect my own suffering through anxiety and depression.

  • Brazokie 5:00 am on March 7, 2018 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , depression, , , ,   


    Drowsiness and difficulty to concentrate greeted me energetically yesterday. Hugged me even. Wide smile after the almost 2 weeks apart. I tried to set into my old ways around them: fight through it. Don’t fall asleep. Count the hours. Wish for a soft bed. Damn it, this hard flood would do. Get a coffee. Chat about things I don’t care about with co workers. Eat something. Etc.

    But then I just snapped. I just couldn’t suffer through that same beaten path. I gave up, told a co-worker I felt bad and headed home. Four hours of sleep later, emotional numbeness joined the team as I woke up.

    As I told my husband… I just didn’t care anymore, right there and then. I won’t try and think what exhausted me, or was it depression or what. I just don’t care, I wanted to shut off and so I did.

    Felt dangerous too. How easy it was to suddenly give up. How lonely that I feel like I ran out of explanations to have people around me understand how tired I am, and how terrifying I cannot explain it either.

    The loss of control is terrifying, but I can’t tell anyone. Those I love would feel heartbroken and those I don’t wouldn’t care. Blogging and reading others is the closest to a sincere telling of what goes on as I can get. At least I have that.

  • Brazokie 7:42 am on February 26, 2018 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , depression, , ,   

    Unfamiliar ceiling 

    Evening of day 8. In the middle of the Pacific ocean, in the isle of Oahu. There is a rainstorm outside and I love it’s noises and the cool air coming in.

    Today as I watched a bay with its reef s and turquoise water, I felt very blessed all tourists are basically from Japan and I can’t understand a thing they say.

    I start to realize it is the dog of depression creeping in. The calmness that is too calm and content with being isolated. The wish to watch and be still while everything else bursts with activity around me.

    Fast forward to the beach itself, where I rest by an Indian family as they chatter and eat. Speaking Hindi and sharing awesome food with me. I don’t speak Hindi, so score number 2.

    By the time I am grocery shopping, I am aware of how my energy is going downhill. I am a bit confused and slow. I skept a meal earlier in the day, which doesn’t help.

    Finally home and chatting with my friend who is hosting me. It is terrifying to be truthful about my moods and feelings. I don’t want her to think something is wrong with the trip, since there is no worng. My brain simply is going downhill as sometimes it does.

    It is time to sleep. I am exhausted and will take it easy tomorrow.

  • Brazokie 11:06 pm on February 21, 2018 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , depression, , ,   


    I wish I could spend the rest of my life snorkeling on a sunny day. The silence of having my ears underwater. The peace of floating with the fish. The beauty of nature, the delicate dance to move this way or that.

    The only sound the fish made was to nibble at the coral. They barely acknowledged me, moving slowly out of my way. I followed a couple of favorites around, and they didn’t mind.

    Animals are the one thing to lift me from any dark pit. It is my universal remedy to make me smile. Their innocence and lack of words. Their body language and ability to live with their environment, without destroying it. Their capacity to defend themselves when needed, to attack to feed, to run when they sense any risk.

    Us humans complicated things so much on our illusion of power. I saw some people stepping on coral to go from hand hold to hand hold, people who could not swim. Well, if you can’t swim, why do you feel entitled to be here? Now it is a risk to yourself and the wildlife.

    How many situations we just push ourselves through, thinking we can do it all? Because we are humans and adapt and compete. So we fumble around, we hurt ourselves and others, out of that stubburness. That is the cost of “you can do anything you want”. No, I cannot. There are limits to be respected and an illusion of gain to force things to happen.

    To focus on what you are good at, or on what you have to improve? I vote to start focusing on what I am good at. I want to feel happy, acomplished, to do what I enjoy whenever I can. To swim with the flow, to feel the peace of being one with the environment.

    Not to be confused with giving up, no. I simply choose to acknowledge that I have limits, and knowing where they are will make me feel better connected with life, and not at an eternal fumble to adapt.

  • Brazokie 5:21 am on February 14, 2018 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , depression, ,   


    As I go to bed, I am terrified by the idea that I compete daily with people who are more confident than me. Confidence has been a challenge through my life, slowly improving. Yet this small terror hits me as I prepare for tomorrow.

    Why can’t I instead see the flip side? Others struggle too, and even more than me. I compete against them too, out there in the job market jungle.

    What use is it to terrify myself so? What comfort is this in bringing myself down? There is comfort in familiarity, even when what is familiar is neglection and abuse. An absurdity, yet I can see the logic. Why deal with a new problem when we can just keep dancing with a familiar problem?

    Why do I expect quick recovery for something built on the 30 years of my life?

    …there is a message on the ceiling for the lightning right over my bed. It reads “Tom loves Kate” in the drywall. Well that is sweet. Goes to show me I should spend less time inside my head and looking outside. Good night.

  • Brazokie 1:41 pm on February 4, 2018 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , depression, , ,   

    Memory Recall 

    History is an important way to understand the present and plan the future. Yet, I am still impressed of how much my own personal history has been helping me through therapy.

    It brought me to think of memories and their value. During bad phases I try very hard to think of the good phases. Why can’t I bring the good feelings back, if I can remember having them?

    I compared it to having an ex boyfriend. At some point there was love and care, I remember that. I cannot however recall and feel that way again for that person. Or something that I feared as a child. I may remember it, but cannot feel that same fear any longer.

    I cannot fault myself for being unable to summon my own brain into feeling better based on a memory, just like I cannot love or fear something from the past based on memory. It brings me some peace that I should treat each bad phase as its own, unique moment. What worked last time to bring me out of the darkness may not work this time, and that is OK. It is not a failure that something else needs to be tried.

  • Brazokie 2:46 pm on January 25, 2018 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , depression, ,   

    Life Will Change 

    Death, taxes… and change. There’s always going to be change. As I face inevitable change, I struggle with anxiety, but oddly enough depression has been a good buddy. I say this because I am suspicious that depression is allowing me to not be sad or overly angry at the whole situation. I am sure worried and anxious, but I am incapable of hating the people involved after the first day of shock. I will count this as a plus.

    Decision making and conflict and hate have been daily things around me at work now, each day it morphs one way or the other. It is a normal issue, and I can’t stop myself from thinking that it is a break from untargeted anxiety.

    There is no right path. There is no decision that everyone around me agrees to. I cannot please everyone, as is my impulse. That is good. I need to learn to move away from that.

    Life will change, and it is unstoppable, for good or bad.

  • Brazokie 8:32 pm on January 3, 2018 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , depression, ,   


    animal crossingIt continues. I had hope that a week home would magically break the cycle, but no. Sent a message to my doctor, and made it clear I am afraid to mess with changing meds, for her to consider if this could be something else.

    Lethargic, slow, and apathetic. No reason. I feel like curling up like a cat in this chair. It was a lot of effort to keep a nice “pleasant landscape face” during lunch with colleagues. I thought that would lift up my mood but it did not.

    When I do fall asleep sitting up I have these pieces of dreams. How can I reach that phase of sleep so quick? It’s scary how I can just go away sleeping like that.

    • mentalhealthdiary.com 6:57 pm on January 4, 2018 Permalink | Reply

      Do you feel any better now? 🙂


      • Brazokie 2:36 pm on January 5, 2018 Permalink | Reply

        Still the same, and Google scared me with all the multiple terrible things this could be.

        Liked by 1 person

        • mentalhealthdiary.com 3:55 pm on January 5, 2018 Permalink

          Aww no 😣 I really hope you feel better soon. Google really is your worst enemy when you feel like this mate.

          I don’t think the fact that the start of January is shit will be helping.

          Did you mention you’re playing final fantasy now? Do you have the energy for that? 🙂

          Liked by 1 person

        • Brazokie 4:04 pm on January 5, 2018 Permalink

          Yeah 35 more years before I can retire. Unless we get hit by the apocalypse, etc. I got the game and had this character from the trial period. I couldn’t even set up the UI before I got tired. All I can play are easy games atm, which is me finishing Persona 5, a game that is 60% watching the story. Left a voice message to the Dr, hopefully they answer that one.


        • mentalhealthdiary.com 5:51 pm on January 5, 2018 Permalink

          Oh man don’t bloody start stating retirement years 😂😂 it’s like 70 or something in the UK. So I’m 39 away 😭

          I wouldn’t mind an apocalypse to be fair. I’ve always thought I’d do good in one. Scavenging, defending a base etc. Do you know any ‘preppers’?

          I hope they do 🙂


        • Brazokie 5:59 pm on January 5, 2018 Permalink

          We had a “prepper” store in town that closed already. I like hot showers too much to fantasize of those scenarios. I had many apocalypse dreams before the meds though. Doctor answered, but didn’t give me a solution, just that isn’t this and that, that it is an unusual side effect, and that it is probably uncontrolled depression, or the meds. Bye. What now? 😐 guess I will wait till Monday.

          Liked by 1 person

        • mentalhealthdiary.com 8:48 pm on January 5, 2018 Permalink

          ah haha I’d love to hang out with a prepper family for a bit. Always watch them on telly. Yeah, cold showers wouldn’t be that fun…But building a wall to keep out zombies would.

          Eugh. Really?! I’m sorry they didn’t really help 😦 What about doing something nice for yourself this weekend, like a selfcare type of thing? Obvs won’t make the symptoms go away but it might lift your mood a little until next week

          Liked by 1 person

        • Brazokie 9:25 pm on January 5, 2018 Permalink

          Great idea! I went and scheduled some Swedish massage.

          Liked by 1 person

        • mentalhealthdiary.com 9:39 pm on January 5, 2018 Permalink

          Now that is a great idea! You know, I’ve never had a professional massage before. I feel like i’m missing out on a game changer


        • Brazokie 9:43 pm on January 5, 2018 Permalink

          Google massage and depression. If anything, just think how good to have those huntched over muscles stretched by a merciless professional until they are soft again. It does hurt on the shoulder ones, my most tense ones, but the feeling after it is awesome relaxing.


        • mentalhealthdiary.com 9:37 am on January 6, 2018 Permalink

          Oh wow. Yes, I need this. It’s so expensive though isn’t it (if you had one regularly). Imagine getting prescribed massage’s 😂


        • Brazokie 1:04 pm on January 6, 2018 Permalink

          Oh yeah I was counting how much art material and videogames I could have bought with that massage! Materialist values versus self care it tough. What a great idea to see if health insurance could cover this 😀

          Liked by 1 person

        • mentalhealthdiary.com 7:53 pm on January 7, 2018 Permalink

          oh when you put it like that haha.

          You can only ask haha.


  • Brazokie 8:00 pm on January 2, 2018 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , depression, , , ,   

    Thoughts of 01.02.18 

    While I cannot commit to doing this daily, I will attempt to journal here more often. I enjoy reading other’s online journals and see the real days of people that go through similar mental health situations as I do. I will attempt to not filter much.

    09:47: went to work. Forgot my wallet. Forgot my mug. Had the icky free coffee on a sad plastic promotional cup I use to water my plants. Drowsiness attack just stopped. I need to change the meds somehow to stop this from happenig, but changing meds is terrifying. Need a plan for lunch. Just overheard my boss saying my name on the phone, time to duck.

    09:53: the reason that plastic cup was sad is because it changes color with cold liquids, and did nothing with hot coffee.

    10:03: stopped for a minute. If around 10am is when I really “wake up”… Then I should try and take the drowsy pill at dinner time instead of bed time. Seems like a simple step to try.

    11:11: comparing myself to others is the deadliest poison I drink. That came to mind while I think here of how I have failed to cook for weeks now, while some people out there can do meal preparations for a whole week, eat healthy etc. Other people’s good behaviors are good to inspire, but I use them to beat myself up. If someone can do it and I can’t, I’m a failure. How arrogant that is. Why should I be able to have the same willpower as others? I know this, but don’t feel it. This will take much training to change.

    do not stack12:15: I noticed a correlation of being tired and getting anxious. I feel like a cat, pockets of energy here and there but trying to stay down most of the day. Now the interesting question is: is low energy making me anxious? Does my body feel my limited time to accomplish things before I am too tired, and then flares up in anxiety? Was able to bum some money for lunch.

    13:48: difficulty to concentrate. Any and all tips accepted in how to deal with this absurdity. How can concentration be difficult if I am not hungry, or in pain, or cold? How the hell can the mind just stubbornily say “nope, can’t focus more than 2 minutes on this”?

    13:57: I honestly believe I’d do a better job in the afternoon if I could be tipsy. One good drink for dessert after lunch would do it. Sadly I cannot test this theory. It does show how easily I could abuse alcohol though, because I am sincere here: I do think I’d relax enough to be able to carry on with the last part of my work day in a more positive way. My back and legs hurt from my unrelaxed desk sitting.

    17:22: home, showered, snacked. Finally back to my cave. Just being back home already feels much better. The first day of the workweek is always difficult and tiring. Hopefully tomorrow is an easier day inside my head.

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